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[10 Nov 2006|04:38am] |
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i'm getting pretty good at this pool thing.
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[22 Oct 2006|08:56am] |
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You've got to get yourself together. You got stuck in a moment, and you can't get out of it.
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| picture sid and nancy - |
[17 Oct 2006|05:27am] |
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i feel like i'm at another dead end in my life. something needs to change here. i guess i've just waited for other people around me to change, and changing myself isn't necessary, because i feel right. i know i don't do everything right, but i just can't come to realize exactly what i'm doing to fuck things up so bad. it's hard to tell whether i'm being manipulated or i'm really the problem. when i give in and admit to being the problem and make it clear that i'll try hard fix it, nothing is fixed and things get worse, because i'm not changing. does that mean i just don't want it bad enough to change? or i don't care enough to change? or does that mean that i was manipulated into thinking i'm doing all this, but in reality, the other person is causing the problems? i'm fine with it being mutual, but apparently it isn't. there's no definite answer and it's fucking with my head big time. it feels really worth it to keep trying, but maybe it's not. i could end all of this, but i just don't want to.
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[15 Oct 2006|07:59pm] |
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i opened my front door this evening, at about 6:30 pm. a huge, thick, brown recluse spider was kickin' it on our welcome mat. i called my mom's husband over to check it out. he grabbed his shoe, pushed the spider off the mat and killed it. after he removed the shoe from the spider, we saw a million black dots run away from inside of the dead spiders stomach. BABIES! MILLIONS. YUCK.
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| things have been... |
[11 Oct 2006|09:40pm] |
things have been smooth. i'm still working at kolby's. business hasn't been good lately. tips are terrible. people don't understand that they're supposed to tip when a waitress serves them... it's not rocket science, people. anyway, i'm considering going on the road with a friend. he drives all around the country transporting computers and what not. it will be an awesome experience for me, because i'm young, it's completely free and i'll be getting paid, i'll get to see the country which i have not had the chance to do yet, and i will be going to tons of different pool halls, playing all different kinds of people, and i'll experience what it's like to be a road player.
i still don't know who left me those flowers and the poem, which is kind of a bummer.. but in a way it makes it even better. my birthday is coming up! i have to work on the 30th, but halloween will be the night of FUN. i'm excited.
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[01 Oct 2006|05:30pm] |
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friday night- i went to work. nothing out of the ordinary happened. by 3 i finished and i left. i walked up to my car and a dozen yellow roses with a balloon tied up to look like a bear was sitting on the front window. there was a note in there, too. it was a poem, and that's it. a name wasn't left.
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| 1 |
[13 Jul 2006|05:41pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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it's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light.
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[11 Jul 2006|10:58am] |
45 DAYS LATER:
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| bed time |
[09 Jul 2006|06:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
the working life is boring. always exhausted and desperately seeking a back massage. fuck dude. my back has been so tense since i started this job. probably because i'm used to sitting on my ass.
i had a stressful day at work. first, i put sanitizer in the sink while it was being filled and i had a bubble attack. a HUGE bubble attack. second, i entered $55,000 in the register by mistake, and because that happened, apparently the company will have to pay a ton of taxes. sweet. one little mistake on a cheap, stupid register and their taxes go up. fucking guilt trip for me. and third, the most stressful one of all. a cop walked in and walked up to the part of the bar where i was filling up a soda for someone. he said hi, and tried getting my attention, and i said hi and flew right past him. i tried to avoid him, because the first thing that ran in my head was, 'oh fuck, i must have sold to a minor. fuck.' that's a big deal. it's a felony or some shit. so he followed me back to the register and i began to get really paranoid. he starts telling me that someone left their light on in their truck outside. what a dipshit. then he left.
my mind was scattered tonight, and i'm getting strep throat.
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| the best dream followed by the worst dream |
[04 Jul 2006|03:51pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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i had a dream i was working at a diner that was attached to a high school (dreams are weird) i was going to, and as my back was facing the front door someone shot me straight through my throat. i felt everything. i felt the blood leaving my body, i saw my eye sight slowly fading away, i felt my body becoming weaker and weaker by the second. i saw all the blood on the floor. it was horrifying. i could barely walk, but i managed to reach the phone to call 911. every time i would call it would be busy, and my eye sight was almost out by this time. there was nothing i could do. i had to sit there and suffer in unbearable pain. then i woke up.
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| last day of freedom |
[30 Jun 2006|03:32pm] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
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music |
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trapped in a psycho's body |
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my mom is getting married tomorrow. i hardly know the dude she's signing her soul over to. from what i've seen thus far, he's snappy and corny. he uses hand motions rather than politely asking, "would you please grab me a napkin?" and he has the worst jokes. the fucking worst. his last name is leonard. LEONARD!! i hate it. karen elizabeth geoghan > karen elizabeth leonard. it doesn't really matter if i think he's a weird douche bag. as long as she's happy.
as for me, i'm really thinking about just being single, because i have terrible luck with guys. last night he said, "i like you better when you're asleep, because you don't talk." who says that? it might sound funny to you all, but it hurt me. before we began a relationship he told me that i wouldn't find anyone else in this world who would treat me better, and i asked him why he told me that if he was going to treat me like dirt. his response, "i didn't know you then."
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| fall into a spell way deeper than hell |
[27 Jun 2006|06:35pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes |
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I got my job back at Kolby's Corner Pocket Billiards! Thank God. That's the only job I really enjoy, and it's convenient because I'm there 24/7.
I lost 30 pounds.
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| 18 days |
[18 Jun 2006|05:09am] |
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and as quick as the snap of a finger, everything crumbled before my eyes. my stability, my motivation, my whole world, the only thing i could call mine shut me out. at least i still have what i've worked so hard for, and i still am second by second. it seems a little meaningless right now though, because there's no one there to congratulate me, or celebrate with me.. but i'm doing it for myself, and that's all that counts. i'm just going to focus on myself and worry about myself from now on. i'm going to let life happen to me, rather than wasting all my energy searching for it.
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[15 Jun 2006|02:29am] |
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i haven't touched a drug in 15 days and i feel so great. i'm doing fine, working the program, going to AA (just like NA) meetings constantly. i'm really getting my shit together, and everything is slowly starting to fall into place. pj and i are on good terms which is great, but he's running his life into the ground and it's sad to see so i don't talk to him much anymore. i've got another man in my life now, and we're doing good so far. ultimately, i'm much happier than i have been in years.
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| high school |
[26 May 2006|04:34am] |
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matthew price kissed me. what the fuck?
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[26 May 2006|02:10am] |
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i'm really trying.
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[22 May 2006|11:16am] |
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i used to see drug addicts in a whole different way until this morning. my number 1 friend who i could count on for absolutely anything fell hard, and quick. i guess i never realized how bad things were getting, because when anyone is involved in a situation rather than standing back and observing, opinions, feelings and emotions are completely different. because it's in my life and it's happening to my best friend, it could never get that bad. it just didn't seem possible then, but for the last three months she's been walking on thin ice, and it just kept getting thinner and tinner until it finally broke, and now i don't know what to do.
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[21 Apr 2006|06:14pm] |
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i've never felt so low in my life, and right now it feels impossible to ever repair the damage.
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[19 Apr 2006|09:35pm] |
core died.
she was hit by a semi,
and was in urgent care all night,
until she passed away.
what the fuck is happening here?
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[07 Apr 2006|02:12am] |
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i thought this relationship would last a little longer.. i'm really bummed out. 2 down. it fucking sucks.
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[29 Mar 2006|05:34pm] |
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well, it looks like i don't have a car anymore. 25 hundo to fix. no way in hell i can afford that. so, so shitty.
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[28 Mar 2006|06:54pm] |
i don't understand why everything has to be so awful all the time. my mother is totally brainwashed by her fiance of 4 months who told me he wishes he had a dollar for everytime i made her cry. he's number 1 in her head now. i'm not being a bitter daughter, i'm so happy she's not alone anymore... but my sister and i have been there through all of the shit. we've gone through so much together, and i feel like all that has been washed away and forgotten. it's all about terry now. i don't care for the guy, i will never love him, and he will never be a father figure to me, because he thinks he knows every single little fucking thing about me because his daughter dropped out of high school and she smokes pot on occasion.
eat shit. you dont know what goes on in my life.
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[23 Mar 2006|06:05am] |
i'd imagine the things we'd do.
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[23 Mar 2006|03:27am] |
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i hiked 3 miles up a mountain, in 3 feet of snow for 3 fucking hours. i'm the queen.
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[15 Mar 2006|08:03pm] |
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YOU'RE A CUNT.
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[25 Feb 2006|03:07pm] |
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time to do something constructive with my life.
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[19 Feb 2006|04:33am] |
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[08 Feb 2006|09:35pm] |
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whoa, what the fuck? where's pj?
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[01 Feb 2006|04:01pm] |
flagstaff tonight.
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